Dub-less in Dublin: due for heartbreak

You are annoyed because you like him. Well, maybe you’re annoyed because you let yourself like him. There’s only you to blame in all of this.

Because last time you liked, you ended up naked, curled into the smallest ball you could make out of your long legs, and stared at the wall. It wasn’t until your best friend arrived home that you burst into tears and collapsed, sobbing, inconsolable. He was only the second boy you had ever cried over.

And then there was the numbness. Your nose was raw and red and eyes puffy. And it may be some sort of hope or form of self-loathing, but you really believe he will realize he messed up and you will say your piece about values and morals but you will eventually take him back. He doesn’t realize and you can’t find a soapbox tall enough. You still feel naked and alone when he looks at you.

And because it was so excruciating to be so bare, you haven’t let yourself like. But you have forgotten what it feels like to be falling in love, so you are due for a heartbreak–a simple reminder to put yourself back together is the best way to know yourself.

In a weird way, it’s selfish to remain so balanced, never liking more than you are liked–disinterest as the most powerful weapon you have. Selfish because you refuse the world your own light, and hold on so tight to keep that light to yourself because you cannot risk falling.

And in considering your fall it has already begun and now the one you like is sad. And you are sad because he’s sad, but not in the empathetic way that sadness can be so comforting. In the way that you wish he wouldn’t be so sad when he is encounters the memories of past lovers. Or maybe just that he wouldn’t tell you at all, or even still he’d give you every dirty detail so that you’d know if you should protect your light. Your grip is so tight that you are beginning to lose your breath and soon he will too and you both see how selfish it is that you hold on with white knuckles.

You want to start a fight because you want him to want you more than the pain of past lovers and you want him to tell you that. Tell you that he is ready to be with you, that he won’t hurt you, that he sees beyond your naked body. But it’s not him who should say that and it’s not him you even want to say that. He owes you nothing of the sort, not yet anyway.

Rather, you want to forgive yourself for being left, naked in your bed. Forgive yourself for staring at the wall. Forgive the mess you made and the mess you became. Forgive him for never coming back to apologize. Forgive him for the drunken flirting and that night you don’t quite remember. Forgive him for letting you down. Forgive yourself for wanting him to come back.

Faced with heartbreak over a boy you didn’t want to like or heartache for never letting yourself fall. Falling in love is perhaps too strong but falling, instead, towards someone in hopes that you won’t end up crumpled on the floor, sobbing, and inconsolable. You can pull away now and protect your heart and your light or you can lean in and let it all happen. Heartache for memories not yet made or heartbreak for the eventual fallout of caring for someone other than yourself. Regardless, you are due for a little heartbreak.